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The program for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. highlights a fun dual-language performance and an improvised theatrical troupe. Conspicuously missing from the advertised line-up is Friday's Geopolitics World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively closed-door affair. Officials likely want to keep out any unwanted guests from showing up at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing ceremony where highly compensated dignitaries will doubtlessly repeat the well-worn cliche that "football unites the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Line-Up

A glamorous event is due to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum alongside small-statured American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be American football icon Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Collectively, they will host a production that will undoubtedly have English football fans who remember yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the old draw system and a trusty velvet bag of wooden, numbered balls.

Slated to last almost three torturous hours, the show will include a staggering agenda of speechifying, overly sentimental highlight reels, scripted jokes, famous faces, performances from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Draw Duty

Included in those tasked with carrying out the draw? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, untapped reservoir of personality exhibited by these ageing sporting icons, short of an armed security team crashing the event, it's difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an obsequious spokesperson is any kind of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the reply was vague. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are conscious of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The implication seemed to be that high prices are justified when compared with other high-end goods.

The Actual Draw

With 42 countries already secured a place for next year's tournament and six more set to qualify, there will be a real air of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw begins. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their particular country will face in the initial phase, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which precedes the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "individuals who help unite people in peace through unwavering commitment and special deeds." Given that the draw is in Washington and the tournament is mostly in the US, guesses about the winner are ripe, even if the clues are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-game winless run, offering a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when a dismissal occur down the line.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to buy a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, requiring an encore?"